25 Weeks

I can't believe I made it through Christmas. It seemed so far off when I first found out I was pregnant in the summer. I'm getting closer and I'm getting excited. I love the movement and I love knowing that he could live outside the womb by now. It would be tough but it is possible. This week his nasal passage becomes unclogged and he'll start to practice breathing on his own. He also gets the tiny capillaries under his skin that will make his skin pink. He has somewhat controlled reflexes now so when I push on my stomach, he'll kick back! Also, if we were to take a peek at him now and then not again until after he's born, he'll look the same. His face is completely formed by now. Our next ultrasound is on the 8th, I can't wait to see him!

After reading what I may be experiencing in pregnancy at 25 weeks, I realize that this must be a miracle pregnancy for sure. I really don't have a whole lot to complain about and I haven't experienced the things they say I may be experiencing. I consider this pretty amazing, especially given my age!

Here are the top 3 things that I do complain about (and they're hardly anything worth complaining about):

1. Carpal tunnel, pregnancy induced. I never had it before. My hand is completely stiff. My middle finger and my pointer finger are pretty much numb all of the time.

2. My hair. I don't think it's my hair anymore, I don't know whose it is. I hate it. It's so coarse, dark and ugly. George has asked me to stop complaining about this one but I get really depressed when I have to look at it.

3. Maternity clothes. They don't work on me. I'm short and short waisted. Unless maternity pants have that full and very ugly panel, they fall straight down on me. Shirts are too long, pants are too long, I'm one big frumpy mess.


Here are some things that have helped me so much in my pregnancy:


1. Olay Regenergist face cream. My mother-in-law told me about it and I LOVE it. My skin has never been so dry and this works wonders!

2. El Naturalista shoes I've been coveting for a long time. George bought them for me for Christmas and I haven't taken them off since. My other shoes were getting too tight and I hated having to bend over to put them on. My heel was going numb all the time and it was so painful to stand on. I haven't had a problem since I've gotten these.

3. My husband's clothes instead of maternity clothes. His sweaters are nicer than mine, cozy, and seem to fit much better than maternity sweaters. This has been the best discovery!


So you see, pretty non-important complaints compared to what I could be dealing with.
I see the doctor again on Friday. I have to do the glucose screening for diabetes.
Happy Happy New Year! I get to welcome in this new year knowing this will be the year our son will be born, yeah!

P.S. I can't include my 24 week belly pic because George took them of my bare belly and there's no way I'm posting them. I bought all of our Christmas pjs last year when they were on sale. I never would have imagined that I would be pregnant this year so they were a little small. I had to wear them with my top unbuttoned at the bottom so my stomach could stick out. So, this is what George took pictures of. Hopefully I'll have some more normal pics to post soon. :)

24 Weeks

I went to the doctor yesterday. For some reason I was a nervous wreck. My upper blood pressure number was high but my lower number was low. She said I'm fine, that she sees that upper number get high when patients are nervous. I told her I was. I was so stressed about coming in. I told her I wish I could just get over it because it's not going to get any easier. She said that I'm always coming in waiting for something to go wrong. My blood pressure is good when I take it at home so I know I was just worked up about going to see the doctor. I think she really believes me now when I tell her I have white coat syndrome. The funny thing is that I'm so worried about getting preeclampsia again that I wasn't worried about gaining too much weight. I had a therapist once tell me that I'll spend my whole life worrying about things that I'll find I never had to worry about and instead things will happen to me that I should have been worrying about. The point being, there's no point in worrying. Easier said than done for me. I'm a worrier. So, I should have been worrying about gaining too much weight. I gained too much in a week prompting her to look at my total weight gain so far. More than a normal pregnant woman gains in her entire pregnancy and I still have a long way to go! Ugh! She quickly looked at my ankles wondering if I was retaining water. She asked if I drink sugared drinks. Nope, simple fact is that I've been baking and eating entirely too much. She lectured me. She told me to slow down. I felt terrible and depressed. I was really enjoying the holidays, baking and eating my way through them and she really rained on my parade. I came home, threw out all our Christmas cookies and anything sweet. I walked on the treadmill and vowed to be very careful. I aslo weighed myself on our scale at home and saw that I only gained half of what she thought I gained. Now you may think I'm in denial but one time when I went in for my checkup and the scale said I had a huge weight gain. I challenged the nurse and she told me to step off and try again. I did and it was a much more reasonable number. So yes, I think their scale is broken (denial). I didn't question her this time because I knew I had been eating too much and I had a new nurse and she seemed too distracted with Magnolia. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my gluttony. Then I started to realize that my eating is purely emotional. This pregnancy has been so hard on me emotionally. I was so depressed coming home thinking that I just want to be done with this...it's all too hard. Then I thought that I'm so lame, why do I have to be no negative? If gaining too much weight is my only problem so far then I better shape up and realize how lucky I am. At least it's something I can control. My sisters were both so supportive. My older sister who has had three babies told me that she was happy I threw out the cookies and walked on the treadmill. She said it's not going to get any easier and having extra weight is just going to make it harder. My little sister who is pregnant along with me and is on her third empathized...she said what's the point of lecturing me, it's not like I can go home and diet. She never knows how much she gains in pregnancy. She refuses to look and asks not be told, she says what's the point? Both were the things I wanted/needed to hear so I'm feeling better. All is good otherwise. We are snowed in today, it's the day before Christmas Eve, and I would love to be baking... :)

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!!!

(24 week belly pic coming soon, fat and all)

23 Weeks

We got to have a day in an actual city this past weekend. It's always so nice to have a little taste of city life from time to time. On our way home we stopped at the big mall that has a lot of my favorite stores. I bought the baby a few new outfits. When I say new I'm stressing the fact they are new, ones with tags on them, ones that have never been worn. Don't get me wrong, I've been shopping alright for this baby and he already has a drawer full of stuff BUT it's all used. I'm a Goodwill junkie, I will admit it. I love to find designer clothes that have been barely worn for next to nothing. It's a little bit of an addiction BUT a healthy one on many different levels. You wouldn't believe the things I find and you wouldn't believe the things that people give away.

All else is good. I think I've had another growth spurt because I've been feeling larger and awkward and I'm devastated when things fall on the floor. Bending over isn't that easy anymore. I need to get good at picking things up with my toes again. :)

I've noticed a pattern with the baby kicking. He only kicks when I'm all alone. The minute Magnolia leaves the room and it's quiet, he starts to move. Same with George. I kind of like it. It's like our special time together.

Nothing else new. We are anxious to get started on our big project around here; redecorating the nursery and putting together Magnolia's room. We have decided to wait until after the holidays as it will give us something to do. Until then, we are enjoying the holiday season. Hope you are too!

22 Weeks

Thank you everyone for all of your kind messages and for all of your phone calls remembering Dec. 9th. Thank you for taking the time to read such a long and sad story. I always feel better every time I share it. Talking can be such a powerful healer and it had been a while since I shared my story. What I didn't write about but have mentioned before is just how close to death I came. Apparently if I had waited any longer to see the doctor they don't believe I would have lived. My body was already failing miserably and starting to shut down. The preeclampsia had progressed into something even more dangerous called H.E.L.L.P. syndrome and although delivery is the only known cure for it, that doesn't mean you'll survive or even have your health back 100% after delivery. I had no idea that everyone was waiting on pins and needles after I delivered our girls. My kidneys stopped functioning and they were waiting and hoping for my body to get working again. When it did the nurse was so happy and told me that she thinks I seem to be rebounding. I was in the hospital for 2 more days after I delivered and released by a doctor on call who apparently should have never let me go home so soon. I'm so grateful he did because I couldn't wait to get out of there. He's the one that came in and told me that I dodged the bullet. As soon as I got home the panic attacks and depression sunk in right away. During that first year I thought I was going to die all the time...death and sickness consumed me. I had to take Valiums on top of anti-anxiety meds just to get through the days.

The reason I keep going on and on about my story is because it helps me and maybe helps you understand why I've been so nervous during this pregnancy. The first trimester was the hardest because I really didn't know what was ahead of me. I was so afraid of having another dead baby and maybe even dying myself. Burying your child(ren) isn't something you ever want to experience again. Everything has gone well so far and certainly having the news that doctors don't predict preeclampsia anytime soon has put a whole new spin on this pregnancy. I'm very happy, excited, and blessed to be having this baby and I know when he arrives I won't be able to imagine it any other way. This blog has been such a good way for me to work through all of the emotions that this pregnancy has brought me...thanks for listening and thanks for all of your kind words and support.

This anniversary was actually a happy day for me. I remember our girls, happy that I had them and know them...happy to know they are and always will be with me. It's no longer a sad day for me. I accept what's happened. I know I can't change it. It is what it is. I'm especially happy because this new life has been kicking me like crazy and this is the part of pregnancy that I've never had before and I have to say I'm really loving it! I can sit down after dinner, put my feet up and just feel and watch him kick. I can't believe I can see my stomach move. 22 weeks, just 10 more to get to my goal and anything beyond that I will be so grateful for!

December 9th

December 9th is the days our girls; Joy Elizabeth, Madeline Grace, and Anne Beatrice, were born and died.

"Those that we hold in our arms for a moment, we hold in our hearts forever." -unknown

To continue my story and remember the story of my girls on this day...


I was admitted to Labor and Delivery on December 8th. I was all alone, they didn't even call a wheelchair for me. I somehow made it and checked in. I got to my room and didn't know what to do next. I started making phone calls. I called George first and told him to come. He came right away and I started to get hooked up to meds that would hopefully lower my blood pressure. Nurses came in and brought me information on having a premature baby and told me I would have access to a laptop while I stayed there. Somehow I knew I wouldn't need any of this information. My doctor came to see me in the evening, they took blood work and told me to get a good night's sleep. I sent George home, he had to work in the morning and we were watching my parent's dog who needed to be let out. I can't remember if he came to see me the next morning but I remember waiting and waiting for the doctor to come and tell me what was happening. He finally came at 1pm and said my blood work wasn't good that he spent all morning making phone calls across the country (including top notch doctors at Stanford where he did his residency) looking for advice on my case. They all told him the same thing. Deliver the babies and deliver them fast or you would lose the mom as well. I'll never forget his face as he told me that I was going to have to deliver the babies. I quietly asked if they would survive already knowing the answer. He said no, that he was so sorry. He asked me if I wanted to wait for my husband to arrive before they induced me. I said no, start now. If it was inevitable and my life was at such high risk, it was pointless to wait for George. To discuss what? My fate was determined. They padded the sides of the bed in case of seizures and they put a blood pressure cuff on that went off every 5 minutes. I didn't know what to do at that point, I was going into labor, hearing my girls' heartbeats knowing they were going to die soon. I called the only person I knew who had gone through something like this. She was my neighbor and earlier that year she too lost a baby and had to deliver him. She told me that when my babies are born to hold them for as long as I can. I think I went into shock after that. By 6pm the nurse who also is the grief coordinator came in to talk to me. It was all happening so fast. Grief? But my girls were still living at that point, I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready for them to die. I started frantically looking at the window to see if it would open. If it did, I probably would have jumped out. The air felt so stiff in there, I felt like I couldn't breathe. The lights were dimmed and everything was dead quiet. My labor was progressing and I was in a lot of pain. My doctor came in and I practically screamed at him that I was having a panic attack, that I can't do this. He told the nurses to give me sleeping pills. And so I labored in and out of sleep. George rubbed my lower back, I was having horrible back labor. I started hallucinating that I could hear my babies crying, crying because they were going to die. George told me that they weren't crying that I was just imagining it. Now I realize it must have been my breathing and wheezing of my heart and lungs that were working overtime. The pain started to get so bad I asked for drugs, anything... They checked me and saw that I was ready to push, too late for anything. They called my doctor who lived next door to the hospital. He walked over and got ready to deliver my babies. By now it was close to 11pm. The room was dark and it seemed as if everyone was sitting down. No bustling around the room in preparation of a new baby. Joy was born very easily, she seemed to slip right out. They put her on my chest right away and I'll never forget that joy of seeing her (hence the name Joy after my mother whose parents named her for the same reason). I must have seen her move and I asked if she was alive. As if in almost slow motion the nurse put her stethoscope to her heart and listened. She never told me she was alive. She never answered my question. Silence, nothing but silence. I later found out that she was. It was almost like they didn't even want to check. I guess why would they, there was nothing they could do. The silence in that room after she was born will be something I'll never forget. It was silence that is now forever deafening in my ears. Eleven minutes passed until Madeline was born. It seemed like seconds between births so I have no recollection of what passed during those 11 minutes. I think we were all sitting in that silence staring at Joy. When Madeline came and she too was placed on my chest alongside Joy I was starting to feel the enormity of all this. The doctor asked if I wanted to wait to deliver the third right away or wait. I just wanted them all out. I wanted to be done with this, I wanted to get up and walk away from it all. It was too much to handle. Anne was so far up that I think the doctor had to push her down into the birth canal for me to push her out. At last I had all three of my girls on my chest. I never asked if the other two were alive. George later told me he saw Madeline move but never asked the nurses to check. I think he didn't want to upset me anymore. Joy was the only one we got a birth certificate for along with her death certificate. I'm sure they had to document it only because I asked. She obviously passed during those 11 minutes, I'll never know at what point but it's comforting to know that I was holding her. The strangest thing happened soon after delivery. I actually felt joyous and proud of having these babies. I almost felt like I was on a high. I asked the nurse to take them away so I could rest. They would come back in periodically and ask if we had names yet. George and I stayed up talking about what their names would be. I think I thought for a little while that we just delivered our babies, that the nurses were watching them, and that we were going to name them. I really don't think I realized they were dead until the nurse came in and showed me what she was working on...plaster footprints and she wanted to know their names so she could write them on there. That's when I realized that I wasn't bringing my babies home. I was just going to bring home plaster footprints. I started to cry for them to live, begging for them to breath again. They gave me sleeping pills to get me to stop screaming...


The pain in those days, weeks, months and years after that day were far more painful that the day itself. I have never felt so sad, so lost, so disappointed, and scared in my entire life. As I've mentioned before I did a lot of things to walk through the pain of our loss. It has been a struggle but four years later I've come a long way. We had worked so hard to get pregnant with our girls that to lose them made it all the harder. I felt like I had finally reached the summit on Mount Everest only for someone to poke their finger into my chest and push me off the mountain, back to the bottom were I would have to start that long and treacherous hike back up.


The crazy thing is that we did. And it was as long and treacherous as I knew it would be. It was two long years until we held Magnolia. You can't imagine the emotion we felt while were in China. Those first few days spent until we got her I spent wrought with emotion. I thought of the girls constantly and cried at the beauty of where they brought me. Halfway around the world to a little girl who needed a mommy almost as badly as I needed a baby. I think this day gets easier because I see the blessing in it all. Magnolia was our gift from the girls. Without the girls dying, we would never know Magnolia and that is an amazing thing.

So on this anniversary I feel so grateful for knowing my three girls and thankful for whatever short time I had with them. They have taught me so much. They have showed me so much pain and heartache and love that I have been able to see myself and this world in a different light. The have showed me how to love more and just how fragile life can be. And through the craziness of it all, they have showed me how to be happy again.

21 Weeks 3 Days

I am 21 weeks and 3 days today. I was 21 weeks 3 days four years ago when I delivered our three girls. I was huge. I was measuring beyond 40 weeks. I couldn't fit in a bathroom stall. I had to stand sideways at the sink. I couldn't bend over. I was also retaining water at an unbelievable rate. My skin was pulled so tight that it felt like the crispy skin on a Thanksgiving turkey. It hurt to touch and I couldn't even bear to look at it to see the damage. My legs were swelling fast, I kept saying that I felt like I was embalmed (as if I should know how that feels but it was the only way I could describe it). When my face started to swell I knew something was wrong, I knew it was preeclampsia. I did some things that I should have never been allowed to do by my doctor. We traveled to St. Louis for Thanksgiving that year. I was already being medicated for high blood pressure. We drove through a blizzard. What normally takes 7 hours, took us 11. George set up the back of our new Suburban (purchased to hold the triplets) so I could put my feet up. I couldn't sit that way without a seat belt in that weather especially. I needed a seat belt. At the start of the trip I felt all of their movement. Six legs and six arms, I could tell who was moving where. I knew where they all were in my tummy. George's family had a beautiful baby shower for us when we got there. I remember that I couldn't wear my shoes for the party because my feet were starting to swell so much. I could also barely button my shirt I brought to wear. I kept telling everyone that I was growing every minute and that I didn't feel the girls move anymore. They were all reassuring me that there probably wasn't much room for them to move around anymore. I still worried. I got the worst headache of my life. Whether it's the all telling preeclampia headache or just a tension headache, I'll never know but looking back all of these things were warning signs. Just before this trip to St. Louis we also made another trip that we should have never been allowed to do. We went to the famous Biltmore Spa in Arizona. It was to replace the trip we planned to take to Italy. Yes, we had tickets to go to Italy and my doctor even okayed it! My better judgement told me that we shouldn't go. A trip to spa sounded much better. It was to be our last hurrah, our last luxury vacation before parenthood. And it was. We had spa treatments everyday and spent our days lounging by the beautiful pools. A couple of problems though, the flights were really hard on me. I couldn't walk from gate to gate without stopping every few minutes to catch my breath. When we arrived at the resort, we had to get a room closer to everything else since I couldn't seem to walk very far. To this day, memories of that trip are painful to remember and I can't stand any kind of spa treatment. Yes, you heard me right. I haven't been able to do anything spa like since. Makes me sick to my stomach.
I never did recover after these trips, but there was probably never a chance. I spent my days on the couch. Except I couldn't get off the couch, the cushions seemed to swallow me up. George took them off and replaced them with a firmer futon mattress we had. My swelling was getting out of control and the pressure I was feeling was so painful I could hardly stand. We went to the emergency room one night to make sure everything was okay. The doctor on call okayed everything even though she never even took a urine analysis (if she had, she surely would have seen preeclampsia). My blood pressure was sky high. I was literally shaking with fear. Then we heard all three heartbeats and I felt better. I wasn't having any contractions and my blood pressure went down a little bit. I asked her about the swelling and pressure I was feeling. She said I had triple the amount of blood flow that this is normal. She missed the most obvious signs and warnings of preeclampsia and she sent me home. A week later I called the doctor's office and told them my face was swelling, that I think I have preeclampsia. The nurse said preeclampsia doesn't happen in the second trimester (wrong!) but if it made me feel better, I could come in. I did. I drove myself and thought how hard it was to maneuver the car being so huge. I was wearing George's clothes, I couldn't even get maternity clothes on. At this doctor's office, they have you take your own urine test when you arrive. I immediately saw that my protein levels were off the charts. I showed the nurse. She told me to hold on to the test and have a seat. The office was crowded and very busy and I sat there holding on to the tip of my urine soaked test in front of everyone as my heart started beating faster and faster. I knew this wasn't good, I knew I was sick, I knew I wasn't leaving that hospital for a long time. When I finally got to see my doctor I had put on too much weight (water weight) and my blood pressure was off the charts. He told me I needed to go to Labor & Delivery right away...

to be continued...

21 Weeks

Okay, I'm definitely growing. I didn't think I had much but looking at these photos you can really tell since I'm wearing almost the same exact thing. Not sure all the growing is happening in the tummy though... :)

Now that I'm clearly showing I've been getting the comments and questions I dreaded when I first found out I was pregnant. Mostly it's been, "It always happens that way, if you want to get pregnant just adopt" or "I hear of this happening ALL the time" or "That happened to my cousin's wife's best friend's daughter." Sometimes I tell them that this wasn't what we were hoping for, that pregnancy is a scary thing for us, that if we really wanted to get pregnant we could, that we chose adoption instead. Sometimes I don't feel like sharing that much and sometimes I say we planned it this way. BUT, the one question that has gotten me tongue tied the most when I don't have Magnolia with me is, "So, is this your first?" I have literally gone speechless over that one. How do I answer that? My first pregnancy? No. My first child? No. My first biological child? Well, no...but one that is likely to live? Yes. Wow, it is way too complicated so now I will just say NO.

On another note, things continue to be good. We are going to our annual candle light vigil tomorrow night in remembrance of our girls. I always enjoy this event because it falls so closely to the day they were born and is such a nice thing to do in their remembrance.
I can't believe how these weeks are flying by. 21 down...