24 Weeks

I went to the doctor yesterday. For some reason I was a nervous wreck. My upper blood pressure number was high but my lower number was low. She said I'm fine, that she sees that upper number get high when patients are nervous. I told her I was. I was so stressed about coming in. I told her I wish I could just get over it because it's not going to get any easier. She said that I'm always coming in waiting for something to go wrong. My blood pressure is good when I take it at home so I know I was just worked up about going to see the doctor. I think she really believes me now when I tell her I have white coat syndrome. The funny thing is that I'm so worried about getting preeclampsia again that I wasn't worried about gaining too much weight. I had a therapist once tell me that I'll spend my whole life worrying about things that I'll find I never had to worry about and instead things will happen to me that I should have been worrying about. The point being, there's no point in worrying. Easier said than done for me. I'm a worrier. So, I should have been worrying about gaining too much weight. I gained too much in a week prompting her to look at my total weight gain so far. More than a normal pregnant woman gains in her entire pregnancy and I still have a long way to go! Ugh! She quickly looked at my ankles wondering if I was retaining water. She asked if I drink sugared drinks. Nope, simple fact is that I've been baking and eating entirely too much. She lectured me. She told me to slow down. I felt terrible and depressed. I was really enjoying the holidays, baking and eating my way through them and she really rained on my parade. I came home, threw out all our Christmas cookies and anything sweet. I walked on the treadmill and vowed to be very careful. I aslo weighed myself on our scale at home and saw that I only gained half of what she thought I gained. Now you may think I'm in denial but one time when I went in for my checkup and the scale said I had a huge weight gain. I challenged the nurse and she told me to step off and try again. I did and it was a much more reasonable number. So yes, I think their scale is broken (denial). I didn't question her this time because I knew I had been eating too much and I had a new nurse and she seemed too distracted with Magnolia. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my gluttony. Then I started to realize that my eating is purely emotional. This pregnancy has been so hard on me emotionally. I was so depressed coming home thinking that I just want to be done with this...it's all too hard. Then I thought that I'm so lame, why do I have to be no negative? If gaining too much weight is my only problem so far then I better shape up and realize how lucky I am. At least it's something I can control. My sisters were both so supportive. My older sister who has had three babies told me that she was happy I threw out the cookies and walked on the treadmill. She said it's not going to get any easier and having extra weight is just going to make it harder. My little sister who is pregnant along with me and is on her third empathized...she said what's the point of lecturing me, it's not like I can go home and diet. She never knows how much she gains in pregnancy. She refuses to look and asks not be told, she says what's the point? Both were the things I wanted/needed to hear so I'm feeling better. All is good otherwise. We are snowed in today, it's the day before Christmas Eve, and I would love to be baking... :)

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!!!

(24 week belly pic coming soon, fat and all)