I skipped writing about my 15th week. It was a good one. I was very busy. My mom came while my dad was on business and we had fun shopping, redecorating my house, and getting ready for Magnolia's birthday. She also finally got me to take Claritin. I doubted it would work getting rid of these awful sinus headaches but it did!
I started my 16th week with a lot of anxiety. I had a dentist appointment, Magnolia's 2 year check up, and a lab appointment to check for Spina Bifida. While these were all routine check ups, deep down they caused me incredible anxiety. I have such White Coat Syndrome and going into any medical situation whether it has to do with me or not just stresses me out. Turns out my teeth are good and Magnolia's check up was good. I still don't know about Spina Bifida but the lab tech said she needed to weigh me. I ate so much over the weekend and was feeling incredibly large. I asked to use the bathroom and then stripped off any excess layers I was wearing. By some miracle, I hadn't gained a pound! I asked the lab tech what this had to do with Spina Bifida. She said nothing, it was just something the doctor wanted to check on... I see, just keeping their eye on the fat girl. Ugh. Now I'm a mission to eat very well and make sure I walk everyday. My mom said she showed early and then slowed down. Since I have the same figure as my mom (thanks mom) then I'm taking this as a sign that I'll be the same way. The other thing I'm stressed about is getting blood clots. I try to keep moving and check for them on my legs. Okay, the last thing I'm stressed about is not feeling the baby move yet. I know it's still a little early but you know, when you live in my mind, you'll find anything to worry about. On a very positive note, if 32 weeks is my goal then I'm now half way there! Yeah, I will be happy to get to 32 weeks. Very very happy! Okay, on another positive note, I feel pretty good physically. I just feel fat but overall I have energy. Since I'm on the same timeline as I was with the triplets, it's very easy to compare the two pregnancies. Four years ago on my birthday I was also 15 weeks and our house was a disaster. I couldn't do anything. Making the bed caused complete exhaustion. I could pick one activity to do a day. Make the bed, load the dishwasher, or run a load of laundry, and that was it. Forget about emptying the dishwasher or folding the laundry, that would have to wait for the next day. It was torture, it was impossible. For my birthday four years ago George got me a cleaning service. The day after my birthday they arrived and spent the entire day cleaning our house. I'll never forget feeling so grateful and so helpless at the same time. They never came back after we lost the girls and George wisely chose not to get me another cleaning person for this pregnancy. I'm so happy and grateful that I can move around and have energy.
This is the last month that I can be preeclampsia free. Meaning preeclampsia just doesn't show up before 20 weeks so I feel like I have that looming ahead of me. I keep just trying to remind myself that I may not even get it, that I'll be closely watched, that it will likely be milder... it's a mantra in my head. I'm so disconnected when it comes to thinking about having this baby, having it live, having survived all of this. I will be so clueless when I bring this baby home because I can't even wrap my brain around that thought. I only think of the delivery and just can't seem to see past that. I feel like my only goal is to survive this. I almost didn't survive it 4 years ago. I dodged the bullet as one doctor said. A nurse said I wouldn't have lived through the weekend had I not insisted on coming in when I did. It's a very scary thing to have a brush with death. I'm forever grateful that I survived and it took some time for me to feel that nudge from someone above telling to move on and live my life, I survived after all. So, here I am, trying to survive again and stay strong but it's a constant struggle and the only thing I can do is take this day by day. Like I said, week 16 has been filled with anxiety so far. :)
Note: Photo coming soon of my growing stomach!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
14 Weeks
The 14th week has been my best so far. I am feeling so much better. Mentally & emotionally. Maybe perhaps because I've shared my news and this blog and have gotten so much support from so many. Thank you for all of your comments, I really cherish them. It makes me feel a little vulnerable sharing my story but I've never been one to hold in my feelings & emotions so it really does reflect who I am. Thank you for taking the time to come along...
On another note... I had my 12 week check-up this week. A little late because I forgot I had the appointment in my 12th week and it took me a week to remember. The brain really does go when you're pregnant! All was good. Blood pressure was great and no protein in urine (signs of preeclampsia). There was one tiny problem...a huge weight gain! Ugh, I had no idea! I've been eating so healthy but I guess it's the Twix bars and ice cream. :) I have to watch those empty calories. Yikes! I'm measuring pretty big but she says that's normal for a second pregnancy especially since I had triplets. I'm definitely showing! I have regained energy and I have started to feel more positive overall. I've had the realization that I could go through this whole pregnancy without preeclampsia. It is a possibility. Maybe not likely but it still feels good to remember that. The perinatologist wrote up a plan for the remainder of my pregnancy and my doctor has agreed to follow it. They want to see me every two weeks until I hit 20 weeks then I'll be seen once a week and have ultrasounds every 3 weeks. I'm so comforted by this. So far so good. Day by day.
NOTE: In addition to the ironies I wrote in my previous post, I had another one show up yesterday and just have to share it. Four years ago this month, almost to the week, we sold my sedan to buy a bigger car to hold the triplets. Yesterday we received a letter from North Carolina saying that the car has been found and is being held for us to come and claim it. Whether it was impounded, stolen and found, who knows. Perhaps they're contacting all previous owners of the car and figure that the one holding the title will come and claim it. Too bad we don't have the title because it was a nice car and I would love to have it back. :) I just find it completely bizarre that this has resurfaced, 4 years ago to this date.
On another note... I had my 12 week check-up this week. A little late because I forgot I had the appointment in my 12th week and it took me a week to remember. The brain really does go when you're pregnant! All was good. Blood pressure was great and no protein in urine (signs of preeclampsia). There was one tiny problem...a huge weight gain! Ugh, I had no idea! I've been eating so healthy but I guess it's the Twix bars and ice cream. :) I have to watch those empty calories. Yikes! I'm measuring pretty big but she says that's normal for a second pregnancy especially since I had triplets. I'm definitely showing! I have regained energy and I have started to feel more positive overall. I've had the realization that I could go through this whole pregnancy without preeclampsia. It is a possibility. Maybe not likely but it still feels good to remember that. The perinatologist wrote up a plan for the remainder of my pregnancy and my doctor has agreed to follow it. They want to see me every two weeks until I hit 20 weeks then I'll be seen once a week and have ultrasounds every 3 weeks. I'm so comforted by this. So far so good. Day by day.
NOTE: In addition to the ironies I wrote in my previous post, I had another one show up yesterday and just have to share it. Four years ago this month, almost to the week, we sold my sedan to buy a bigger car to hold the triplets. Yesterday we received a letter from North Carolina saying that the car has been found and is being held for us to come and claim it. Whether it was impounded, stolen and found, who knows. Perhaps they're contacting all previous owners of the car and figure that the one holding the title will come and claim it. Too bad we don't have the title because it was a nice car and I would love to have it back. :) I just find it completely bizarre that this has resurfaced, 4 years ago to this date.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Thoughts
The irony of it all. Really, the ironies keep creeping into my head and waking me up in the middle of the night. How did this happen? How did I get pregnant? This has been the burning question in my mind. This is also the same question the perinatologist asked me last week. We talked about how I got pregnant with the triplets and then he asked me how I got pregnant this time. It was like he was reading my mind and I let out a chuckle, relieved someone else was wondering the same thing. I looked at George and said "how DID we get pregnant???" George looked at me and said sternly, "just answer the question Lucy." I quickly racked my brain for the right answer. The answer the doctor was looking for. It took me a couple of seconds and I finally said, "naturally." I think the doctor mumbled something about God and life's surprises. I nodded in agreement and we moved on.
We started trying to get pregnant on our honeymoon. Month after month, nothing happened. I started to worry. Surely I couldn't have any problems. My mom, after all, had 12 pregnancies and 6 children. Why would this happen to me? We started to seek advice and began the infertility workup. Test after test, nothing significant showed up. What was wrong with me, I just wanted to know the answer! Then you get the usual and dreaded advice. You're trying too hard. Try to relax. Take a vacation. Have a couple of drinks. Seriously? Could it be that easy? Because if it was that easy then it was impossibly hard for us. A medical diagnosis would have been much easier to deal with but trying too hard? How can I fix that? How can I want having a baby any less? What's the pill to reverse that? That's when I learned about Alice Domar and her famous Mind Body Fertility Clinic at Harvard. I convinced George to go. It would be fun to see Boston together, a little getaway. He agreed. We did group therapy. We did partner yoga. We learned to avoid dry cleaning and pesticide laden produce. We learned to breath correctly. It all seemed a little silly but we were desperate and so were all the other couples there. We learned that through their statistics that some of us in that group would never get pregnant. A year later we emailed our progress. Almost everyone there got pregnant. We did not. I became increasingly concerned that I would be the one who would never get pregnant. I had surgeries to remove endometriosis. I had dye pumped through my fallopian tubes to clear any obstructions. I was put on Clomid for 5 months with the hopes that this was it. That doctor told me he'll see me pregnant in just a few months. Still nothing. Then George got a promotion and we moved. I decided to hold off on a job search for a year and aggressively seek fertility treatment at a top notch clinic 2 hours away. Just before Thanksgiving that year, I started to spot mid cycle. That had never happened. My mom told me to take a pregnancy test. I told her she was crazy. I took one anyway. I was pregnant. But why was I bleeding? Blood test confirmed a pregnancy and two days later another blood test confirmed I was miscarrying. I was the happiest I had been in a very long time for those two days. I was devastated that I was losing the baby I had wanted so desperately. At the same time, I felt triumphant that I actually GOT pregnant, that it WAS possible. I started to have a lot of hope that things were going to work out. I went to the fertility clinic and started IUI/artificial insemination. First try nothing happened. I wasn't that shocked, I knew it wouldn't be that easy. I was elated that the whole process was no big deal. After giving myself a shot in the stomach the first time, it was clear sailing after that. Second time around ultrasound showed I produced 3 follicles, about the norm for IUI. Two weeks later blood test confirmed I was pregnant. One week later ultrasound confirmed all three follicles fertilized. We were having triplets. That is another long story and it was a very long road up until that point. Four years to be exact. I was exhausted of wanting something so badly and not being able to have it. I was angry at the failure of my body or was it a failure of my mind? Either way I felt cheated and I felt defeated. Cut past the story of our triplets and now I was in a place where I never ever wanted to be pregnant again. I was done. I washed my hands of all infertility and mourned the loss of biological children. I had no regrets and I felt great about it. I was free from that tirelessly long road. Adoption was our plan. Not our plan B. Just another kind of plan. I have had so many people tell me that now I've adopted, I'll surely get pregnant. That wasn't our plan, adoption was not our means to an end. We didn't want to get pregnant, we wanted to continue to build our family through adoption. Fast forward exactly one year after holding Magnolia for the first time. This was the day we were waiting for. This was the day we were allowed to put in our application to China for another child. This was also the day we found out I was pregnant. Just two nights earlier we watched the video from the agency they send with the application. We reviewed the paperwork and talked about putting in our application as soon as possible. I called our agency and told them I was pregnant but we would still want to adopt. I was worried that if I lost this baby, then I would be mad that we didn't at least have our paperwork in for another baby. At the rate China's program is going, the wait is creeping to three years. We thought that would be perfect. That would give us 2 years in between each child. We're still deciding what to do but China's program looks bleak and the paper trail is now as horrendous as the wait. At this rate we don't think we'll be able to get our dossier to China in time before the baby is born and that is the requirement. Another reason for me to believe that this baby is a miracle, a blessing, a true gift. Back to the perinatologist. After talking about my history of infertility and my newly discovered blood clotting disorder, he believes that was the problem. Seriously? Extra few folic acid, B vitamins, and baby aspirin and that would have done the trick? Seriously? I spent four years of my marriage with nothing but heartache and disappointment. We spent umpteen dollars on procedures, tests, mind body retreats, yoga, and even reiki and all I needed was a trip to Walgreen's? I laughed in disbelief when he told me this. Maybe for the sake of my own sanity, I doubt him. If all I needed were those supplements then how did I get pregnant this time because I learned of my disorder AFTER getting pregnant. I don't think anyone knows how, what, or why.
The reason I'm writing out this long story is because it is filled with so many ironies and like I said they are waking me up at night. I need to get them out so they stop spinning around in my head. I need to get them out so I can see the miracle of this all. I need to get them out so I can see why we had such a long road to get here and that is what is meant to be. Did I get pregnant because it was mind over matter or was it because of my blood disorder? It really boggles my mind and I think I will always wonder how this happened but maybe someday I can really accept that my fate is the hands of someone else. Did I mention that I have the same due date as I did four years ago?
We started trying to get pregnant on our honeymoon. Month after month, nothing happened. I started to worry. Surely I couldn't have any problems. My mom, after all, had 12 pregnancies and 6 children. Why would this happen to me? We started to seek advice and began the infertility workup. Test after test, nothing significant showed up. What was wrong with me, I just wanted to know the answer! Then you get the usual and dreaded advice. You're trying too hard. Try to relax. Take a vacation. Have a couple of drinks. Seriously? Could it be that easy? Because if it was that easy then it was impossibly hard for us. A medical diagnosis would have been much easier to deal with but trying too hard? How can I fix that? How can I want having a baby any less? What's the pill to reverse that? That's when I learned about Alice Domar and her famous Mind Body Fertility Clinic at Harvard. I convinced George to go. It would be fun to see Boston together, a little getaway. He agreed. We did group therapy. We did partner yoga. We learned to avoid dry cleaning and pesticide laden produce. We learned to breath correctly. It all seemed a little silly but we were desperate and so were all the other couples there. We learned that through their statistics that some of us in that group would never get pregnant. A year later we emailed our progress. Almost everyone there got pregnant. We did not. I became increasingly concerned that I would be the one who would never get pregnant. I had surgeries to remove endometriosis. I had dye pumped through my fallopian tubes to clear any obstructions. I was put on Clomid for 5 months with the hopes that this was it. That doctor told me he'll see me pregnant in just a few months. Still nothing. Then George got a promotion and we moved. I decided to hold off on a job search for a year and aggressively seek fertility treatment at a top notch clinic 2 hours away. Just before Thanksgiving that year, I started to spot mid cycle. That had never happened. My mom told me to take a pregnancy test. I told her she was crazy. I took one anyway. I was pregnant. But why was I bleeding? Blood test confirmed a pregnancy and two days later another blood test confirmed I was miscarrying. I was the happiest I had been in a very long time for those two days. I was devastated that I was losing the baby I had wanted so desperately. At the same time, I felt triumphant that I actually GOT pregnant, that it WAS possible. I started to have a lot of hope that things were going to work out. I went to the fertility clinic and started IUI/artificial insemination. First try nothing happened. I wasn't that shocked, I knew it wouldn't be that easy. I was elated that the whole process was no big deal. After giving myself a shot in the stomach the first time, it was clear sailing after that. Second time around ultrasound showed I produced 3 follicles, about the norm for IUI. Two weeks later blood test confirmed I was pregnant. One week later ultrasound confirmed all three follicles fertilized. We were having triplets. That is another long story and it was a very long road up until that point. Four years to be exact. I was exhausted of wanting something so badly and not being able to have it. I was angry at the failure of my body or was it a failure of my mind? Either way I felt cheated and I felt defeated. Cut past the story of our triplets and now I was in a place where I never ever wanted to be pregnant again. I was done. I washed my hands of all infertility and mourned the loss of biological children. I had no regrets and I felt great about it. I was free from that tirelessly long road. Adoption was our plan. Not our plan B. Just another kind of plan. I have had so many people tell me that now I've adopted, I'll surely get pregnant. That wasn't our plan, adoption was not our means to an end. We didn't want to get pregnant, we wanted to continue to build our family through adoption. Fast forward exactly one year after holding Magnolia for the first time. This was the day we were waiting for. This was the day we were allowed to put in our application to China for another child. This was also the day we found out I was pregnant. Just two nights earlier we watched the video from the agency they send with the application. We reviewed the paperwork and talked about putting in our application as soon as possible. I called our agency and told them I was pregnant but we would still want to adopt. I was worried that if I lost this baby, then I would be mad that we didn't at least have our paperwork in for another baby. At the rate China's program is going, the wait is creeping to three years. We thought that would be perfect. That would give us 2 years in between each child. We're still deciding what to do but China's program looks bleak and the paper trail is now as horrendous as the wait. At this rate we don't think we'll be able to get our dossier to China in time before the baby is born and that is the requirement. Another reason for me to believe that this baby is a miracle, a blessing, a true gift. Back to the perinatologist. After talking about my history of infertility and my newly discovered blood clotting disorder, he believes that was the problem. Seriously? Extra few folic acid, B vitamins, and baby aspirin and that would have done the trick? Seriously? I spent four years of my marriage with nothing but heartache and disappointment. We spent umpteen dollars on procedures, tests, mind body retreats, yoga, and even reiki and all I needed was a trip to Walgreen's? I laughed in disbelief when he told me this. Maybe for the sake of my own sanity, I doubt him. If all I needed were those supplements then how did I get pregnant this time because I learned of my disorder AFTER getting pregnant. I don't think anyone knows how, what, or why.
The reason I'm writing out this long story is because it is filled with so many ironies and like I said they are waking me up at night. I need to get them out so they stop spinning around in my head. I need to get them out so I can see the miracle of this all. I need to get them out so I can see why we had such a long road to get here and that is what is meant to be. Did I get pregnant because it was mind over matter or was it because of my blood disorder? It really boggles my mind and I think I will always wonder how this happened but maybe someday I can really accept that my fate is the hands of someone else. Did I mention that I have the same due date as I did four years ago?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
First Trimester Screening
We had the First Trimester Screening to test for Downs Syndrome on Tuesday. The perinatologist did the ultrasound and it was our first time meeting him. I really like him a lot. He was positive and reassuring for me as we talked about my past and current high risk situation. I never did any of this screening with the triplets but it's different this time. I just don't think I can handle any surprises (if I don't have to) in the delivery room. The only surprise I want is a healthy breathing baby. This is also why we are finding out the sex. Stayed tuned, we'll know on November 11th! We'll know the results of this screening by the end of the week but he said the ultrasound looked good. Seeing the baby on ultrasound has allowed me to feel more attached to this pregnancy. It was so fun to see the baby move around! Magnolia and George were with me and Magnolia loved watching the "movie" of the baby. She also loved when the perinatologist jiggled my belly to try and get the baby to dance. She kept saying "funny!" And now as I sit here typing this with this photo that I just scanned onto the computer, she saw it and exclaimed "baby!" I think she saw the picture for a second that day and I had no idea she would remember, it's been in my purse since then. Anyway, she's carry it around and saying "aw cute!" She is going to be the BEST big sister! :)Tuesday, October 7, 2008
13 Weeks
Does this mean I'm into my second trimester??? Yeah! I'm feeling better these days which makes a huge difference in everything. The bloating has gone down considerably and the nausea is pretty much gone. The headaches have been killer but they come and go. I think I'm getting more and more used to all of this. I'm also realizing how different this pregnancy is from my last. At 13 weeks with the triplets I was well into maternity clothes and very much showing...probably like 20 weeks. I just got so big so fast and I'm realizing that this is much more normal and MUCH more gradual. I'm optimistic today so I'm leaving it at that and enjoying the moment.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
12 Weeks
Nothing to report. Chronic headaches all week. Just trying to get through the days and be a decent mom at the same time. Lots of vegging & t.v. watching this week...
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