Thoughts

What I realized this weekend is how completely bizarre it is to truly mourn the loss of something and then have it come "alive" again. What I mean by this is that when I lost our girls, I also lost any other biological children. I left the hospital that cold December evening without my babies and knew I would never ever get pregnant again. So when I went to therapy I quickly realized that I was mourning more than our 3 girls. I was mourning the loss of any and all biological children. It took some time but I knew it was what I wanted deep down. This is when my heart truly opened to adoption and we started to change our focus from pregnancies to adoption. I was truly at peace with this, I knew it was the right decision for me. I saw my doctor a year after losing our girls. I told him we were adopting and that I never ever want to get pregnant again. He looked worried, he said I should really make sure I don't regret this decision, that I'm not 50 and looking at my family and have any regrets to having biological children. I was offended. I know myself and I'm almost always secure in my decisions, I would never have any regrets. Especially now that I have Magnolia, I could NEVER imagine having any regrets. I love Magnolia more than anything I have ever known and the thought of how she came to me makes to difference at all. SO the fact that I'm pregnant again and there is clearly a baby growing inside me feels so completely bizarre because I mourned this experience and I thought I was in control of this ever happening again. Not to mention that if it did happen again I thought it would be because we sought infertility treatment again which was never going to be an option. So I'm starting to believe that this is an unbelievable miracle and that God continues to surprise me and teach me much greater lessons in life.

11 Weeks

Nausea is subsiding. Hoping it will go away completely soon. The past week has been a week of headaches. Those awful pregnancy headaches. Hormones peak around week 10 so that's probably why I am getting them. Hoping those will go away soon too!
I definitely showing already. Well, I just look fat. I'm holding off on those maternity clothes. I get nauseous every time I think of maternity clothes. I wore them so early with the triplets and I just have a bad association with them. I'm hoping I can hold off wearing them until my nausea subsides. Don't know how much longer I can go.
Overall I'm feeling a little more positive. I'm nearing the end of the first trimester and my chances for preeclampsia won't start until week 20. I think this is all settling in a little bit more and I'm getting used to being pregnant. The human mind is amazingly adaptable...
Poor Magnolia has been getting the short end of the stick for the past 6 weeks. So, today we went to some water fountains where she got to run through the water. She was having a blast and with the biggest smile on her face, she came running up to me to give me a big hug and kiss and said "love you." That has made my day. It's hard for me to think that our days with just the two of us are numbered because it still seems like I just got her. But, I know when this baby arrives, it will feel exactly as it should. I will love them both the same.

10 Weeks

Same. Waiting for week 12-13, hoping nausea will subside. I'm sleeping a lot at night but usually wake and think too much about what happened 4 years ago. Right after we lost our 3 girls, I used to replay the whole thing over and over in my head. It was like having a mini movie going on in my head. I would obsess over the details and beg George to fill in the fuzzy parts. He hated doing this because it meant he had to relive it too. I went into shock soon after they induced me and they gave me a lot of sleeping pills to try to get me to sleep through most of the labor. Those are the fuzzy times that I used to wish I could remember. Now I'm glad I don't. It's enough to remember what I do. They say that these things make you stronger but they didn't make me stronger. Sometimes I think it just really screwed me up. Clearly I still haven't recovered from this trauma but maybe I never will. Who can ever fully accept losing a child, let alone 3. Two very important things we were told after this happened. One, we MUST walk through the pain. We did. We cried, we mourned, we reached out, we went to support groups, I got therapy, I was even medicated, I walked, I talked, and we made the decision to adopt and I started to have hope again. After getting Magnolia I saw that she was our greatest gift to us from our 3 girls. It was meant to be and I now I can't imagine it any other way. The second thing that we were told is that the pain will never go away, we'll only learn to manage it. I was managing the pain I thought fairly well. I stayed away from things that brought back the memories and I turned my heart to adoption. I would NEVER EVER put myself in the position to lose a child again...or so I thought. So for some reason unknown to me now, I am being tested again and I'm being forced to deal with apparently unresolved fears. Intellectually I know this is different pregnancy, a different experience and everyone is trying to get me to see that but emotionally I struggle to see that. I am detached from this pregnancy. Four years ago I was over the moon finding out I was pregnant, my dream finally came true. I was even happier that I was having three. I dreamt about their nursery, what their names would be and what I would dress them in. I was naive. Now when I hear the heartbeat of this baby, I think fine, but a lot can go wrong. I heard my triplets heart beats but I saw them alive for less than a minute. I don't care about names, the nursery, or anything other than having a healthy breathing baby. I wish I could be naive again, it was much easier. What is comforting to me is that I know my feelings are completely normal. Many woman who have had a traumatic pregnancy experience the same thing, I'm not alone. Someday when I'm through this pregnancy and I have a healthy baby in my arms, I won't believe I worried so much. I'll probably be sad that I wasn't more excited about this pregnancy. But for now this is how it is, this is how I feel.
SIZE OF BABY: Small plum

9 Weeks

Nine weeks already, wow. Mentally I'm feeling better. Those B6, B12, Folic Acid supplements are like miracle drugs for me. Depression has lifted. I've never been depressed and that was really awful feeling so down. I thought it was the hormones and the fear that I may re-live my past experience. No, I think it was the lack of those supplements, they really worked. Physically I still feel icky. I haven't thrown up yet (yeah!) but I'm nauseous pretty much all of the time. Even the tiredness is getting a little better. No other changes yet. I get to go off the progesterone soon which will make me happy...one less pill to swallow! Now that I'm getting all the folic acid I need, I crave less o.j. Now I'm onto milk and I will admit that I've dived into Magnolia's whole milk from time to time, it just tastes so good! Oh, peanut butter is the other thing I can't seem to live without.
SIZE OF BABY: Large Green Olive

First OB Visit

I had my first official OB visit on Friday. I was there for 1.5 hours! I'm really liking my doctor, she's certainly being proactive and taking a lot of time with me. She has already consulted with a perinatologist here. He told her that I had a lot of risk factors in my last pregnancy; I was carrying triplets, I had this blood clotting disorder that I wasn't being treated for, and I had an early onset of high blood pressure. So, the fact that I'm only carrying one baby now and my disorder is being treated my chances are already reduced for getting preeclampsia so early again. My doctor believes that if I'm to get it again, it will be later in the pregnancy. I told her 32 weeks is my goal, she said she wants to see me full term. I don't know, that seems like a pretty big goal to me. My blood pressure was getting high on this visit and I told her I was so worked up about coming in and that I swear I have "White Coat Syndrome." I told her that if she took it again at the end of the visit I know it would be better. She believes in White Coat Syndrome and said this could be possible. She said that my previous doctor "believes" I have chronic hypertension. That made me so mad! He only saw me when I was pregnant and therefore could never prove it. The fact that he put that in my chart made me so mad! All my life my blood pressure has been normal and the 4 years since my pregnancy it has been normal. Either way, now I have to start to monitor it myself at home. She's also running a lot of other tests on me to get baseline numbers to see where I'm at if I do get really sick again. The perinatologist will do an ultrasound around 16-17 weeks to monitor the blood flow to my uterus. Apparently this will hint at whether or not I'll get preeclampsia again whether or not I'll be on bed rest. Overall it was a good visit. My doctor seems very vested in me and that reassuring.

8 Weeks

This house makes me sick. Literally. I am so nauseous here. As soon as I leave the house or go up north, I'm not nearly as nauseous. I think there are too many memories tied to this house. What can I do? I'm counting down 4 more weeks for this to pass....please pass!
On another note, my blood work results are finally in. I have a blood clotting disorder called MTHFR. In addition to the high risk of my blood clotting, I produce an elevated level of an enzyme that doesn't allow me to absorb folic acid. I requested this test to be done even though I was warned it would take a long time and cost a lot of money. Do it anyway I said. I've really learned to listen to my gut. I knew I had a strong chance of having this disorder because there's not a woman I haven't met who's had preeclampisa who doesn't have this. I'm heterozygous which means I only have one copy of the this gene mutation as opposed to having two. This makes this disorder less risky. I'm thankful for that. Now I'm taking a baby aspirin everyday, 4mg of folic acid, and B6 and B12 supplements. In addition to my prenatal and progesterone, I'm so full of drugs, I can hardly swallow. It all makes sense to me now. I can't get enough orange juice and fresh oranges which are loaded with folic acid! The only symptoms of this disorder are blood clots, depression, and anxiety. Thank goodness I haven't had a blood clot but I have certainly been depressed and anxious. I am hoping these supplements will help with that because this pregnancy has not been fun for me yet. All I see in front of me is delivering another dead baby. I just don't know it any other way. I'm so relieved in a sense that I have this disorder because then it might give me a few preventive steps in getting preeclampsia again. At least keep it at bay until the baby is viable outside my womb, that's all I ask.
SIZE OF BABY: Pinto Bean