22 Weeks

Thank you everyone for all of your kind messages and for all of your phone calls remembering Dec. 9th. Thank you for taking the time to read such a long and sad story. I always feel better every time I share it. Talking can be such a powerful healer and it had been a while since I shared my story. What I didn't write about but have mentioned before is just how close to death I came. Apparently if I had waited any longer to see the doctor they don't believe I would have lived. My body was already failing miserably and starting to shut down. The preeclampsia had progressed into something even more dangerous called H.E.L.L.P. syndrome and although delivery is the only known cure for it, that doesn't mean you'll survive or even have your health back 100% after delivery. I had no idea that everyone was waiting on pins and needles after I delivered our girls. My kidneys stopped functioning and they were waiting and hoping for my body to get working again. When it did the nurse was so happy and told me that she thinks I seem to be rebounding. I was in the hospital for 2 more days after I delivered and released by a doctor on call who apparently should have never let me go home so soon. I'm so grateful he did because I couldn't wait to get out of there. He's the one that came in and told me that I dodged the bullet. As soon as I got home the panic attacks and depression sunk in right away. During that first year I thought I was going to die all the time...death and sickness consumed me. I had to take Valiums on top of anti-anxiety meds just to get through the days.

The reason I keep going on and on about my story is because it helps me and maybe helps you understand why I've been so nervous during this pregnancy. The first trimester was the hardest because I really didn't know what was ahead of me. I was so afraid of having another dead baby and maybe even dying myself. Burying your child(ren) isn't something you ever want to experience again. Everything has gone well so far and certainly having the news that doctors don't predict preeclampsia anytime soon has put a whole new spin on this pregnancy. I'm very happy, excited, and blessed to be having this baby and I know when he arrives I won't be able to imagine it any other way. This blog has been such a good way for me to work through all of the emotions that this pregnancy has brought me...thanks for listening and thanks for all of your kind words and support.

This anniversary was actually a happy day for me. I remember our girls, happy that I had them and know them...happy to know they are and always will be with me. It's no longer a sad day for me. I accept what's happened. I know I can't change it. It is what it is. I'm especially happy because this new life has been kicking me like crazy and this is the part of pregnancy that I've never had before and I have to say I'm really loving it! I can sit down after dinner, put my feet up and just feel and watch him kick. I can't believe I can see my stomach move. 22 weeks, just 10 more to get to my goal and anything beyond that I will be so grateful for!