10 Weeks

Same. Waiting for week 12-13, hoping nausea will subside. I'm sleeping a lot at night but usually wake and think too much about what happened 4 years ago. Right after we lost our 3 girls, I used to replay the whole thing over and over in my head. It was like having a mini movie going on in my head. I would obsess over the details and beg George to fill in the fuzzy parts. He hated doing this because it meant he had to relive it too. I went into shock soon after they induced me and they gave me a lot of sleeping pills to try to get me to sleep through most of the labor. Those are the fuzzy times that I used to wish I could remember. Now I'm glad I don't. It's enough to remember what I do. They say that these things make you stronger but they didn't make me stronger. Sometimes I think it just really screwed me up. Clearly I still haven't recovered from this trauma but maybe I never will. Who can ever fully accept losing a child, let alone 3. Two very important things we were told after this happened. One, we MUST walk through the pain. We did. We cried, we mourned, we reached out, we went to support groups, I got therapy, I was even medicated, I walked, I talked, and we made the decision to adopt and I started to have hope again. After getting Magnolia I saw that she was our greatest gift to us from our 3 girls. It was meant to be and I now I can't imagine it any other way. The second thing that we were told is that the pain will never go away, we'll only learn to manage it. I was managing the pain I thought fairly well. I stayed away from things that brought back the memories and I turned my heart to adoption. I would NEVER EVER put myself in the position to lose a child again...or so I thought. So for some reason unknown to me now, I am being tested again and I'm being forced to deal with apparently unresolved fears. Intellectually I know this is different pregnancy, a different experience and everyone is trying to get me to see that but emotionally I struggle to see that. I am detached from this pregnancy. Four years ago I was over the moon finding out I was pregnant, my dream finally came true. I was even happier that I was having three. I dreamt about their nursery, what their names would be and what I would dress them in. I was naive. Now when I hear the heartbeat of this baby, I think fine, but a lot can go wrong. I heard my triplets heart beats but I saw them alive for less than a minute. I don't care about names, the nursery, or anything other than having a healthy breathing baby. I wish I could be naive again, it was much easier. What is comforting to me is that I know my feelings are completely normal. Many woman who have had a traumatic pregnancy experience the same thing, I'm not alone. Someday when I'm through this pregnancy and I have a healthy baby in my arms, I won't believe I worried so much. I'll probably be sad that I wasn't more excited about this pregnancy. But for now this is how it is, this is how I feel.
SIZE OF BABY: Small plum