Thoughts

The irony of it all. Really, the ironies keep creeping into my head and waking me up in the middle of the night. How did this happen? How did I get pregnant? This has been the burning question in my mind. This is also the same question the perinatologist asked me last week. We talked about how I got pregnant with the triplets and then he asked me how I got pregnant this time. It was like he was reading my mind and I let out a chuckle, relieved someone else was wondering the same thing. I looked at George and said "how DID we get pregnant???" George looked at me and said sternly, "just answer the question Lucy." I quickly racked my brain for the right answer. The answer the doctor was looking for. It took me a couple of seconds and I finally said, "naturally." I think the doctor mumbled something about God and life's surprises. I nodded in agreement and we moved on.

We started trying to get pregnant on our honeymoon. Month after month, nothing happened. I started to worry. Surely I couldn't have any problems. My mom, after all, had 12 pregnancies and 6 children. Why would this happen to me? We started to seek advice and began the infertility workup. Test after test, nothing significant showed up. What was wrong with me, I just wanted to know the answer! Then you get the usual and dreaded advice. You're trying too hard. Try to relax. Take a vacation. Have a couple of drinks. Seriously? Could it be that easy? Because if it was that easy then it was impossibly hard for us. A medical diagnosis would have been much easier to deal with but trying too hard? How can I fix that? How can I want having a baby any less? What's the pill to reverse that? That's when I learned about Alice Domar and her famous Mind Body Fertility Clinic at Harvard. I convinced George to go. It would be fun to see Boston together, a little getaway. He agreed. We did group therapy. We did partner yoga. We learned to avoid dry cleaning and pesticide laden produce. We learned to breath correctly. It all seemed a little silly but we were desperate and so were all the other couples there. We learned that through their statistics that some of us in that group would never get pregnant. A year later we emailed our progress. Almost everyone there got pregnant. We did not. I became increasingly concerned that I would be the one who would never get pregnant. I had surgeries to remove endometriosis. I had dye pumped through my fallopian tubes to clear any obstructions. I was put on Clomid for 5 months with the hopes that this was it. That doctor told me he'll see me pregnant in just a few months. Still nothing. Then George got a promotion and we moved. I decided to hold off on a job search for a year and aggressively seek fertility treatment at a top notch clinic 2 hours away. Just before Thanksgiving that year, I started to spot mid cycle. That had never happened. My mom told me to take a pregnancy test. I told her she was crazy. I took one anyway. I was pregnant. But why was I bleeding? Blood test confirmed a pregnancy and two days later another blood test confirmed I was miscarrying. I was the happiest I had been in a very long time for those two days. I was devastated that I was losing the baby I had wanted so desperately. At the same time, I felt triumphant that I actually GOT pregnant, that it WAS possible. I started to have a lot of hope that things were going to work out. I went to the fertility clinic and started IUI/artificial insemination. First try nothing happened. I wasn't that shocked, I knew it wouldn't be that easy. I was elated that the whole process was no big deal. After giving myself a shot in the stomach the first time, it was clear sailing after that. Second time around ultrasound showed I produced 3 follicles, about the norm for IUI. Two weeks later blood test confirmed I was pregnant. One week later ultrasound confirmed all three follicles fertilized. We were having triplets. That is another long story and it was a very long road up until that point. Four years to be exact. I was exhausted of wanting something so badly and not being able to have it. I was angry at the failure of my body or was it a failure of my mind? Either way I felt cheated and I felt defeated. Cut past the story of our triplets and now I was in a place where I never ever wanted to be pregnant again. I was done. I washed my hands of all infertility and mourned the loss of biological children. I had no regrets and I felt great about it. I was free from that tirelessly long road. Adoption was our plan. Not our plan B. Just another kind of plan. I have had so many people tell me that now I've adopted, I'll surely get pregnant. That wasn't our plan, adoption was not our means to an end. We didn't want to get pregnant, we wanted to continue to build our family through adoption. Fast forward exactly one year after holding Magnolia for the first time. This was the day we were waiting for. This was the day we were allowed to put in our application to China for another child. This was also the day we found out I was pregnant. Just two nights earlier we watched the video from the agency they send with the application. We reviewed the paperwork and talked about putting in our application as soon as possible. I called our agency and told them I was pregnant but we would still want to adopt. I was worried that if I lost this baby, then I would be mad that we didn't at least have our paperwork in for another baby. At the rate China's program is going, the wait is creeping to three years. We thought that would be perfect. That would give us 2 years in between each child. We're still deciding what to do but China's program looks bleak and the paper trail is now as horrendous as the wait. At this rate we don't think we'll be able to get our dossier to China in time before the baby is born and that is the requirement. Another reason for me to believe that this baby is a miracle, a blessing, a true gift. Back to the perinatologist. After talking about my history of infertility and my newly discovered blood clotting disorder, he believes that was the problem. Seriously? Extra few folic acid, B vitamins, and baby aspirin and that would have done the trick? Seriously? I spent four years of my marriage with nothing but heartache and disappointment. We spent umpteen dollars on procedures, tests, mind body retreats, yoga, and even reiki and all I needed was a trip to Walgreen's? I laughed in disbelief when he told me this. Maybe for the sake of my own sanity, I doubt him. If all I needed were those supplements then how did I get pregnant this time because I learned of my disorder AFTER getting pregnant. I don't think anyone knows how, what, or why.

The reason I'm writing out this long story is because it is filled with so many ironies and like I said they are waking me up at night. I need to get them out so they stop spinning around in my head. I need to get them out so I can see the miracle of this all. I need to get them out so I can see why we had such a long road to get here and that is what is meant to be. Did I get pregnant because it was mind over matter or was it because of my blood disorder? It really boggles my mind and I think I will always wonder how this happened but maybe someday I can really accept that my fate is the hands of someone else. Did I mention that I have the same due date as I did four years ago?