16 Weeks

I skipped writing about my 15th week. It was a good one. I was very busy. My mom came while my dad was on business and we had fun shopping, redecorating my house, and getting ready for Magnolia's birthday. She also finally got me to take Claritin. I doubted it would work getting rid of these awful sinus headaches but it did!

I started my 16th week with a lot of anxiety. I had a dentist appointment, Magnolia's 2 year check up, and a lab appointment to check for Spina Bifida. While these were all routine check ups, deep down they caused me incredible anxiety. I have such White Coat Syndrome and going into any medical situation whether it has to do with me or not just stresses me out. Turns out my teeth are good and Magnolia's check up was good. I still don't know about Spina Bifida but the lab tech said she needed to weigh me. I ate so much over the weekend and was feeling incredibly large. I asked to use the bathroom and then stripped off any excess layers I was wearing. By some miracle, I hadn't gained a pound! I asked the lab tech what this had to do with Spina Bifida. She said nothing, it was just something the doctor wanted to check on... I see, just keeping their eye on the fat girl. Ugh. Now I'm a mission to eat very well and make sure I walk everyday. My mom said she showed early and then slowed down. Since I have the same figure as my mom (thanks mom) then I'm taking this as a sign that I'll be the same way. The other thing I'm stressed about is getting blood clots. I try to keep moving and check for them on my legs. Okay, the last thing I'm stressed about is not feeling the baby move yet. I know it's still a little early but you know, when you live in my mind, you'll find anything to worry about. On a very positive note, if 32 weeks is my goal then I'm now half way there! Yeah, I will be happy to get to 32 weeks. Very very happy! Okay, on another positive note, I feel pretty good physically. I just feel fat but overall I have energy. Since I'm on the same timeline as I was with the triplets, it's very easy to compare the two pregnancies. Four years ago on my birthday I was also 15 weeks and our house was a disaster. I couldn't do anything. Making the bed caused complete exhaustion. I could pick one activity to do a day. Make the bed, load the dishwasher, or run a load of laundry, and that was it. Forget about emptying the dishwasher or folding the laundry, that would have to wait for the next day. It was torture, it was impossible. For my birthday four years ago George got me a cleaning service. The day after my birthday they arrived and spent the entire day cleaning our house. I'll never forget feeling so grateful and so helpless at the same time. They never came back after we lost the girls and George wisely chose not to get me another cleaning person for this pregnancy. I'm so happy and grateful that I can move around and have energy.


This is the last month that I can be preeclampsia free. Meaning preeclampsia just doesn't show up before 20 weeks so I feel like I have that looming ahead of me. I keep just trying to remind myself that I may not even get it, that I'll be closely watched, that it will likely be milder... it's a mantra in my head. I'm so disconnected when it comes to thinking about having this baby, having it live, having survived all of this. I will be so clueless when I bring this baby home because I can't even wrap my brain around that thought. I only think of the delivery and just can't seem to see past that. I feel like my only goal is to survive this. I almost didn't survive it 4 years ago. I dodged the bullet as one doctor said. A nurse said I wouldn't have lived through the weekend had I not insisted on coming in when I did. It's a very scary thing to have a brush with death. I'm forever grateful that I survived and it took some time for me to feel that nudge from someone above telling to move on and live my life, I survived after all. So, here I am, trying to survive again and stay strong but it's a constant struggle and the only thing I can do is take this day by day. Like I said, week 16 has been filled with anxiety so far. :)

Note: Photo coming soon of my growing stomach!